


The Ballad of Jack and Gregg

by vongroovy (tralalalally)



Category: Mighty Boosh (TV), Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies)
Genre: Crack Pairing, Other, Poetry, Pre-Canon, i don't even
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-28 22:31:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/312888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tralalalally/pseuds/vongroovy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Here be a tale of Captain Jack<br/>Who met Old Gregg and made it back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ballad of Jack and Gregg

**Author's Note:**

> itastar's request in a fandomsecrets crossover fanwork meme back in 2008 inspired me to try writing, say, a drabble about these two characters. This is what came out instead.

Here be a tale of Captain Jack  
Who met Old Gregg and made it back.

'Twas a night like this and the moon was bright,  
and wicked Jack was not all right.  
Though with gold and jewels his purse was lined  
the Captain found himself in a bind.  
With shouts behind and shouts ahead,  
if he didn't hide, he would soon be dead.  
"Rascal! Scoundrel! O villain vile!"  
Though the cries came closer, he had to smile  
for never was there so much fun  
as when Captain Jack was on the run.

He made his way down to the shore  
but from there he could go no more.  
Then the moon shone down a helpful beam  
illuminating a place unseen.  
"Thanks, mate," said Jack, with a friendly wave,  
as he entered the mouth of a dark, black cave.  
"Don't thank me," the moon replied  
"Every man what's gone in there has died.  
Oh, you will too if you meet Old Gregg,  
He's the baddest, really bad egg."

But Jack heard him not, or didn't heed  
and into the cavern continued to proceed  
hoping to find a way out from which  
he could get to the _Pearl_ and the mob, ditch.  
But unlucky Jack didn't make it far  
before meeting with a sight most bizarre.  
(Though in later years it wouldn't shock,  
but this was before Jack saw skeletons walk.)  
A creature as green as the jade of China  
who lifted his skirt and said, "I got a mangina!"

It was some time later that Jack awoke  
when a webby finger gave him a poke.  
"I'm Old Gregg," the creature cried,  
"And Jack Sparrow is finally by my side."  
"It's _Captain Jack Sparrow_ ," said he in question  
looking around with a puzzled expression.  
"But how is it you know me at all?  
If we'd met before, your face I'd recall."  
And truer words he'd never spoke,  
for Gregg was surely a singular bloke.

"Old Gregg's watched you for a year."  
The fish-man grinned from ear to ear.  
"I used to sail with Davy Jones,  
but the lure of Sparrow filled my bones,  
and I left behind that ship and crew  
for the chance to be wed to you.  
I've filled this cave with all things good  
and murdered all of those who would  
ruin the peace of this happy home  
before you happened here to roam."

"And it's lovely here, it really is,"  
lied Jack, "But I've got some bus-"  
"Wait!" said Gregg, "A creamy drink  
is just the thing you need, I think."  
And he squished away to another chamber  
returning just a moment later  
with a beige-ish drink in a dirty cup  
which Jack had no problem drinking up.  
'Twasn't tasty as rum, but 'twas better'n port  
and Jack was in need of alcoholic support.

Another drink and he forgot the mob  
who so desperately wanted his head to lob.  
Two drinks more and Jack began to praise  
his host's seaweed hair and unwavering gaze.  
Encouraged, Gregg began to share  
some of the secrets in his lair.  
At first, nothing helpful, but by and by  
he presented something that caught Jack's eye.  
"To find you without this would have been dire;  
it's a compass that points to your heart's desire."

And Captain Jack knew he must have it;  
in his fiendish mind a candle lit.  
An idea! But drunker he'd need to be  
for reasons that ye soon shall see.  
"Gregg, dear Gregg," slurred wily Jack,  
"You mentioned marriage some time back.  
Now everyone knows I love a wedding,  
but even more, I love a bedding."  
And as Old Gregg was not averse,  
things took a turn for the perverse.

Ye'll surely give thanks if I leave them here;  
'tis better their doings remain unclear.  
But I will mention, though ye may gag,  
that this wasn't Jack's most shameful shag.  
Sparrow woke next morn and his head did ache,  
but he found the compass his to take  
for though Old Gregg had been quite eager,  
compared to Jack his skills were meager  
and he remained asleep, in sorry shape,  
while Jack commenced to make escape.

He nicked the compass and put on his hat,  
and with a nod to his companion, that was that.  
With the help of the compass, he left the cave,  
evaded the mob, found his ship, not his grave.  
He had great plans for his new possession,  
but lost it soon after, to his depression,  
in a card game, but it wasn't the end,  
for eventually he got it back again.  
But that is a tale for another time;  
besides which, that story doesn't rhyme.

As for Old Gregg, who found himself spurned,  
a useful lesson he had learned.  
It wasn't enough to express a wish  
that someone would wed that poor man-fish.  
And so he devised a cunning plan  
for when he next captured a tasty man.  
He'd still threaten violence and offer liquors  
and show the mix-up in his knickers.  
But to make sure romance was a guarantee  
he would then ask, "Do you love me?"

And that's the end; my tale is done.  
Another round of Flirtinis for everyone!


End file.
